Curiously Exhausted Parenthood – The Blog

Our world today lives in extremes, and parenthood is no exception. Online, you see the spectrum of parenting: styles ranging from gentle-parenting-gone-too-far to I-spank-my-kids-and-I-am-proud. But, rarely, I see parents who are not so loudly and proudly just in the middle. You know, like normal people? Probably because, just like politics, the fringes are the loudest and the people in the middle are just, well, minding their own business. And, unfortunately, this ventures into the influencer vortex of baby/mom product advertisements.

I don’t know what algorithm (or realm of hell) I entered on TikTok, but lately my whole feed has been what is coined as “minimal parenting.” And I get it – to a degree. The whole idea is the less you introduce from the get-go, the less your baby will expect because they literally don’t even know it is a thing. For example, take bottle feeding. If your baby, from day 1, is drinking milk/formula/diet coke/monster straight out of the refrigerator or at room temperature, they’ll never expect warmed food from the bottle. Ideally, this saves you time and money. No need for a bottle warmer here! And better yet, when you are on the go, baby doesn’t expect a warm bottle so they will actually eat instead of having a meltdown in the middle of the store. Score!

This is great – in theory. I have definitely implemented this, the bottle warmer specifically, in my practice, among forgoing other non-essential baby accessories like the self-soothing bassinet, heated towels for after the bath, and wipe warmers. While it is so so nice to make your fresh out of the womb newborn comfortable, I also wanted a baby and future toddler that was flexible and resilient and wasn’t crying because I used a room temperature wipe to clean their ass. Just me though!

As usual, it is taken to an extreme though. As I was scrolling through TikTok the other day, an influencer was popping off about white noise. How specifically, if you never introduced your kid to white noise, they wouldn’t need it and could sleep through anything. And the first thing I thought was, “you haven’t met my kid,” immediately followed by extreme gratitude to my little white noise machine that allows my child to take his 32 minute naps in the crib during the day. (Yes, 32 minutes exactly, my son is consistent if nothing else). These 32 minutes are sacred to me: they allow me to pee (with the door closed!), brush my teeth (before 5PM!), and maybe, just maybe, sit down and read for approximately 10 minutes before I am back on mommy duty. And I attribute that entirely to white noise.

Again, I get the premise. She even made the point that our moms (80-90s babies) didn’t use white noise. She also pointed out: who wants to tote around white noise for every nap under the sun, you are creating your own nap monsters, and what do they do at daycare? And sure, some of those points may have some truth to them, but there is also something to be said about doing what works for your child. While my mom didn’t use white noise, my mom did use classical music and a fan, and on top of that, her kitchen wasn’t directly next to the bedroom like how my house is laid out. This maybe benign-intentioned video was obviously met with all sorts of comments about how white noise is essential, which I can’t say I disagree with in the case of my child, and how she must just have an easy baby to get by without white noise.

And then, the internet chaos erupted. A response video was made where moms were shamed for using all these unnecessary things and that they are the reason their children are the way they are…blah, blah, blah. But here’s the beauty of it: we don’t have to be all or nothing. We can pick and choose what works for us and our babies, try it out, and if it doesn’t work head back to the drawing board. We can share the wealth and let other moms know what worked for us with the knowledge that it may not work for them. We don’t have to be pushy, we don’t have to be tyrannical in our thinking and assume that our parenting style/tips/tricks are the best for everyone and THEY MUST DO IT OR FEEL SHAME!

And even the best intentioned things just sometimes don’t work. I exclusively breastfeed but made it a point to introduce the bottle often and early because I knew I would have to go back to work and he would need to use it. I tried out different ones until we found a couple he did well with, gave one bottle a day of previously pumped milk, and he did fantastic. Until recently. Wells refuses the bottle now; suddenly at 6 months he decided he would rather starve all day and wait for me to come home to eat from the tap instead of using the bottle. Fresh milk, refrigerated/frozen, even formula. Absolutely nothing could entice him to eat from the bottles he had been suckling happily from since quite literally the day he was born. Your baby is a person, and everyone is different. Sometimes, you literally cannot force them or train them to do something (no matter how hard you try or how early you implement it).

So, please join me in being in the middle. If you like an idea, like no plastics, by all means go for it, try to attain it. But, don’t attach yourself so much to the idea that you become inflexible and less resilient yourself. Are you going to be the mom that denies their toddler a snack at a party because it was served with plastic? I don’t think it is fair to my son or myself if I did that. But I control what I can control: glass bottles (which he doesn’t use lol), medical grade silicone pacis and teethers, baby led weaning with no plastic pouches involved. We are flexible and roll with the punches; I know I can’t be perfect but I can do my best to minimize plastic where we can.

The same goes for all baby accessories or theories or sleep training, whatever! We live in a world where so much product innovation and science are occurring that make our lives better and in some ways easier. It make it more difficult in someways too because the landscape is always changing – new guidelines, better practices – and what you have been doing or what your mom did with you as a baby may not be the most evidence based thing anymore. So aim to be flexible, be adaptable. Look at the vast market of baby products and think to yourself: what fits well in my life? Do I want a baby who doesn’t need a warm bottle all the time or am I okay with having to do that? Can I get by without the self-soothing crib that’s a couple grand or am I literally not getting any sleep and I have a super high-pressure job and this is the only way I can squeak by for right now?

Forget the noise. Try to understand when you are getting influenced to buy a product and take a step back. Make sure it is forming the baby/toddler/child/adult you want to deal with going forward, dependencies or not. Make sure that your mental health isn’t at the bottom of the priority list in an effort to make your baby’s life perfect.

Where do you fall on the spectrum? Leave a comment below!